Today the Mr. and I leave on our first woven family vacation. Me and three of my kids, plus the Mr. and one of his boys (calendar conflicts precluded three of the kids joining us and a beach trip isn't a good fit for my autistic stepson).
Fingers crossed that all goes well. I'll report back in a week or so.
Until next time, choose happy.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Lurch
Sometimes it feels as though the Mr. and I lurch from one mini-crisis to the next with my freshman-in-high-school stepson, awkwardly rebounding and not really regaining equilibrium before the next incident. He can be so sweet when it suits him, but man, cross him and tell him it's time for homework or to quit his gaming at dinnertime, and he can grunt and snarl with the best of them. (Believe me, one of my boys can be as nasty as they come, so I know what I'm talking about!)
It's exhausting. Just when the Mr. and I think he's over the hump and things are improving, another call from school comes in. Having been there with my biological kids, I know how it eats a parent up. So, I get to watch my stepson and my husband struggle - big fun.
I get that this is all part of the package and that neither marriage nor parenting is always easy or entertaining. And we do get glimmers of hope, we know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. But when does the struggle stop?
Until next time, keep on choosing happy.
It's exhausting. Just when the Mr. and I think he's over the hump and things are improving, another call from school comes in. Having been there with my biological kids, I know how it eats a parent up. So, I get to watch my stepson and my husband struggle - big fun.
I get that this is all part of the package and that neither marriage nor parenting is always easy or entertaining. And we do get glimmers of hope, we know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. But when does the struggle stop?
Until next time, keep on choosing happy.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Damaged Goods
Ok, friends, this is a tough one to write. As adults, we come out of our marriages damaged -- some a little more than others. Generally speaking, we have access to resources (financial, emotional, etc.) to help us along until we regain our equilibrium.
But what about the kids? I know mine were hurt, sad, mad, anxious and maybe a little relieved when their dad and I split. Still, three of my four boys took years to get over the fact that their dad and I weren't going to reconcile. As to other folks' kids, it's hard to know how they experience divorce or separation from a parent because we weren't there from start to finish.
So, we struggle to figure out what the voids are in our stepkids' lives and hope to heal them, maybe a little. My eyes are tearing up as I write this, because one of the Mr.'s boys is so desperately struggling and we don't know how to help him. I don't know how to help him. And as a mom, it breaks my heart. Part of me wants to steer clear of the whole thing, and part of me wants to jump in and just take over. Part of me tries to empathize with my stepson, and part of me is so pissed off because it seems like he's not trying, not asking for help or accepting it when offered. Unwilling to even recognize that there is a problem.
There are no drugs or alcohol involved, no pregnant girlfriends, so for that I'm grateful. Just a sweet young man who's been emotionally and academically whipped around so much he can't find his way.
Today, I am truly a tormented stepmom.
All the more reason to choose happy.
But what about the kids? I know mine were hurt, sad, mad, anxious and maybe a little relieved when their dad and I split. Still, three of my four boys took years to get over the fact that their dad and I weren't going to reconcile. As to other folks' kids, it's hard to know how they experience divorce or separation from a parent because we weren't there from start to finish.
So, we struggle to figure out what the voids are in our stepkids' lives and hope to heal them, maybe a little. My eyes are tearing up as I write this, because one of the Mr.'s boys is so desperately struggling and we don't know how to help him. I don't know how to help him. And as a mom, it breaks my heart. Part of me wants to steer clear of the whole thing, and part of me wants to jump in and just take over. Part of me tries to empathize with my stepson, and part of me is so pissed off because it seems like he's not trying, not asking for help or accepting it when offered. Unwilling to even recognize that there is a problem.
There are no drugs or alcohol involved, no pregnant girlfriends, so for that I'm grateful. Just a sweet young man who's been emotionally and academically whipped around so much he can't find his way.
Today, I am truly a tormented stepmom.
All the more reason to choose happy.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Crushed Cookies and Dirty Socks
My 20-year-old stepson came for a visit during his spring break. He's a good kid, slowly finding his way in life. His two brothers who live with me and the Mr. adore him, so it's always nice for the bros to have some quality time together.
After Spence* left for the airport, I went to his room to strip the sheets, correctly suspecting that it wouldn't have occurred to him to do it. But what I found rather surprised me. Ok, so maybe the garbage on the floor from a few shopping trips shouldn't have thrown me. And the CDs scattered around, those are his Dad's. But what about the cookies and the socks?
Per Spence, "Oh, yeah. The socks are dirty and I didn't want to pack them. And the cookies got kind of crushed while I was traveling so I just left them."
Typical guy stuff, I know. But really, leaving your dirty socks and trash for someone else to clean up? Hmmm. I could be perturbed, but better if I choose happy.
After Spence* left for the airport, I went to his room to strip the sheets, correctly suspecting that it wouldn't have occurred to him to do it. But what I found rather surprised me. Ok, so maybe the garbage on the floor from a few shopping trips shouldn't have thrown me. And the CDs scattered around, those are his Dad's. But what about the cookies and the socks?
Per Spence, "Oh, yeah. The socks are dirty and I didn't want to pack them. And the cookies got kind of crushed while I was traveling so I just left them."
Typical guy stuff, I know. But really, leaving your dirty socks and trash for someone else to clean up? Hmmm. I could be perturbed, but better if I choose happy.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Who's Calling the Shots?
Just read an article in OK magazine about how LeAnn Rimes was going to attend her fiance's son's Career Day at school. The mom, Brandi Glanville, tweeted her outrage: "It isn't ur place. You are not his parent."
Here's how I score this:
LeAnn: 1 point for agreeing to participate in her future stepchild's school activity. The boy -- who looks to be about 8 or 9 years old -- must have asked her or how else would she have known about it, right? And the article states that she often takes the boy to school.
The Dad: minus 2 points. Sounds like he didn't give the mom a heads' up and put his fiancee in a difficult position. He's either totally tone-deaf to the interest in his high-profile relationship or he's a twerp who's too intimidated to man-up and handle things the right way between the women.
The Mom (Brandi): minus 1 point - seriously, you had to Tweet your dissatisfaction? How about working it out privately? Boorish behavior isn't attractive. We get it -- he's your kid, you get school activities.
No matter who was right/wrong, the kid loses -- angry mom, incapable dad, and seemingly caring step-mom who erratically gets pulled in and out of his life. Grow-up, grown-ups.
Until next time, choose happy.
Here's how I score this:
LeAnn: 1 point for agreeing to participate in her future stepchild's school activity. The boy -- who looks to be about 8 or 9 years old -- must have asked her or how else would she have known about it, right? And the article states that she often takes the boy to school.
The Dad: minus 2 points. Sounds like he didn't give the mom a heads' up and put his fiancee in a difficult position. He's either totally tone-deaf to the interest in his high-profile relationship or he's a twerp who's too intimidated to man-up and handle things the right way between the women.
The Mom (Brandi): minus 1 point - seriously, you had to Tweet your dissatisfaction? How about working it out privately? Boorish behavior isn't attractive. We get it -- he's your kid, you get school activities.
No matter who was right/wrong, the kid loses -- angry mom, incapable dad, and seemingly caring step-mom who erratically gets pulled in and out of his life. Grow-up, grown-ups.
Until next time, choose happy.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
AAARGHH!
My husband noted that I haven't been sounding very tormented in my musings on this blog. Let me assure you, if I was in a brief, contented lull, the torment has come roaring back.
This morning alone I have screamed, sworn, stomped around, pouted and generally behaved in a way that would make a hilarious -- although mortifying -- youtube video. All before 9 a.m. How much fun can the rest of the day bring?
Time to remind myself ... choose happy.
This morning alone I have screamed, sworn, stomped around, pouted and generally behaved in a way that would make a hilarious -- although mortifying -- youtube video. All before 9 a.m. How much fun can the rest of the day bring?
Time to remind myself ... choose happy.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Step-Parenting Cheat Sheet: Part 1
My dear friend was bemoaning her sweetie's kids and their relative lack of manners, devotion to their dad and general decency as human-beings-in-training. So, she decided to take matters into her own hands and rehabilitate those rascally young 'uns (they're teenagers, actually).
BIG MISTAKE, I told her, and here's why: There are certain rules to step-parenting. As a current step-p and having been a child who was step-parented, the following tips are common sense rules of the road. Please note: 1) I'm not a therapist; and 2) generally speaking, these are if the kids don't live with you both full-time.
The DOs
1. Do give your honey time alone with her kids. Your company is probably welcome, but recognize that the kids want to see her, not you.
2. Do be welcoming to his kids when they're in your home. Believe me, they feel weird enough being in their Dad's house with a woman who isn't their Mom.
3. Do be clear on rules of the house re: appropriate language, sharing meals together, whatever. Best if you and your honey are in sync re: this one, but if she leaves it to you, be gentle but be clear.
4. Do try to care for your partner's kids as you'd want someone else to care for your kids.
5. Be loving. Be generous. Keep trying.
The DON'Ts
1. Don't insist on always being with his kids. They're not a threat to you. And the kids will resent your constant presence. Again, they want to be with him, you - not so much, no matter how much they like you.
2. Don't criticize her kids. They may be ill-mannered, thoughtless or have bad hygiene, but don't pick about this one. Your partner already knows and feels bad enough about it.
3. Ix-nay on the exting-tay. You are not your step-kids pal. Sure, they may "friend" you, but don't comment on their FB wall.
4. No e-mails either, unless it's happy news or to figure out logistics (pick you up at the mall in 5 minutes; congrats on the making the team). Anything else -- including suggestions on handling dating, homework or their relationship with their parents -- will backfire. It WILL be shared with the other parent and it WON'T be appreciated.
5. You are not your partner's therapist. If your honey is having trouble with his or her kids, be supportive but otherwise butt out. Provide names or recommendations of good family therapists. Getting too involved warps your relationship and is liking trying to coach your kid in a sport - bad idea.
6. Don't give up. Parenting your own child is hard enough, parenting a step-child is multiple times more difficult.
Open to all other thoughts and suggestions. Until next time, choose happy.
BIG MISTAKE, I told her, and here's why: There are certain rules to step-parenting. As a current step-p and having been a child who was step-parented, the following tips are common sense rules of the road. Please note: 1) I'm not a therapist; and 2) generally speaking, these are if the kids don't live with you both full-time.
The DOs
1. Do give your honey time alone with her kids. Your company is probably welcome, but recognize that the kids want to see her, not you.
2. Do be welcoming to his kids when they're in your home. Believe me, they feel weird enough being in their Dad's house with a woman who isn't their Mom.
3. Do be clear on rules of the house re: appropriate language, sharing meals together, whatever. Best if you and your honey are in sync re: this one, but if she leaves it to you, be gentle but be clear.
4. Do try to care for your partner's kids as you'd want someone else to care for your kids.
5. Be loving. Be generous. Keep trying.
The DON'Ts
1. Don't insist on always being with his kids. They're not a threat to you. And the kids will resent your constant presence. Again, they want to be with him, you - not so much, no matter how much they like you.
2. Don't criticize her kids. They may be ill-mannered, thoughtless or have bad hygiene, but don't pick about this one. Your partner already knows and feels bad enough about it.
3. Ix-nay on the exting-tay. You are not your step-kids pal. Sure, they may "friend" you, but don't comment on their FB wall.
4. No e-mails either, unless it's happy news or to figure out logistics (pick you up at the mall in 5 minutes; congrats on the making the team). Anything else -- including suggestions on handling dating, homework or their relationship with their parents -- will backfire. It WILL be shared with the other parent and it WON'T be appreciated.
5. You are not your partner's therapist. If your honey is having trouble with his or her kids, be supportive but otherwise butt out. Provide names or recommendations of good family therapists. Getting too involved warps your relationship and is liking trying to coach your kid in a sport - bad idea.
6. Don't give up. Parenting your own child is hard enough, parenting a step-child is multiple times more difficult.
Open to all other thoughts and suggestions. Until next time, choose happy.
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