My dear friend was bemoaning her sweetie's kids and their relative lack of manners, devotion to their dad and general decency as human-beings-in-training. So, she decided to take matters into her own hands and rehabilitate those rascally young 'uns (they're teenagers, actually).
BIG MISTAKE, I told her, and here's why: There are certain rules to step-parenting. As a current step-p and having been a child who was step-parented, the following tips are common sense rules of the road. Please note: 1) I'm not a therapist; and 2) generally speaking, these are if the kids don't live with you both full-time.
The DOs
1. Do give your honey time alone with her kids. Your company is probably welcome, but recognize that the kids want to see her, not you.
2. Do be welcoming to his kids when they're in your home. Believe me, they feel weird enough being in their Dad's house with a woman who isn't their Mom.
3. Do be clear on rules of the house re: appropriate language, sharing meals together, whatever. Best if you and your honey are in sync re: this one, but if she leaves it to you, be gentle but be clear.
4. Do try to care for your partner's kids as you'd want someone else to care for your kids.
5. Be loving. Be generous. Keep trying.
The DON'Ts
1. Don't insist on always being with his kids. They're not a threat to you. And the kids will resent your constant presence. Again, they want to be with him, you - not so much, no matter how much they like you.
2. Don't criticize her kids. They may be ill-mannered, thoughtless or have bad hygiene, but don't pick about this one. Your partner already knows and feels bad enough about it.
3. Ix-nay on the exting-tay. You are not your step-kids pal. Sure, they may "friend" you, but don't comment on their FB wall.
4. No e-mails either, unless it's happy news or to figure out logistics (pick you up at the mall in 5 minutes; congrats on the making the team). Anything else -- including suggestions on handling dating, homework or their relationship with their parents -- will backfire. It WILL be shared with the other parent and it WON'T be appreciated.
5. You are not your partner's therapist. If your honey is having trouble with his or her kids, be supportive but otherwise butt out. Provide names or recommendations of good family therapists. Getting too involved warps your relationship and is liking trying to coach your kid in a sport - bad idea.
6. Don't give up. Parenting your own child is hard enough, parenting a step-child is multiple times more difficult.
Open to all other thoughts and suggestions. Until next time, choose happy.
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