Woven, like a pot holder

So I previously asked what term might better describe my family than "blended." Blending is something that happens in the kitchen or, I'm told, how a woman should put on eyeshadow so it looks natural (whatever). The parts are supposed to be indistinguishable and that's clearly not how families are -- there will always be yours and mine no matter how much we love them as ours.

What we really are is woven together. The threads of his family and the threads of mine weave in-and-out like one of those colorful pot-holders we made back in the day. We're individual pieces that come together from different places and move into each others' lives, creating a new, different and hopefully strong fabric that will hold up through the years.

I like "woven," but if you've got a better idea, please share.

Until next time, choose happy.

Blended Families and Bonus Children - WHAT?

OK, so I've been doing some online research as my efforts to wrap my arms around the many changes involved in successfully parenting stepkids and my own continue. I have repeatedly come across the terms "bonus kids" and "blended family."

First, "bonus kids." What the heck does that mean? Didn't we know in advance of marriage that our spouse had kids? Look up bonus and you'll see "extra, a premium, more than usual." That all sounds nice, but hardly applies to my stepkids; they're people, not a special surprise I found at the bottom of a cereal box.

As to "blended family." Hmm, is that really what we're doing? When I cook and the recipe calls for blending, everything gets smoothly mixed together to create a uniform substance. While I hope that my husband and I are creating a good family experience for our kids, we're hardly blended. His kids are his; mine are mine. It's not like they get all mixed up and we can't pick out which ones we brought into the marriage.

And so, there must be a better way to describe what we're creating here. If not blended, then what? Suggestions, my readers?

Until next time, choose happy.

The Flip Side

I joked to a friend the other day that my stepkids' mom should send me a Valentine - a big one, as it sometimes felt like I was doing her job.

Not true, of course. I strongly believe that no one can, or should, ever consider replacing the biological parent of their stepchild unless that parent was abusive or has abandoned the child. Every child wants to love his/her mom and dad -- even if mom and dad aren't perfect. And who is?

I struggle with the fine line between being the "mom" figure for my stepkids without actually being mom. I don't hug my stepkids as easily or as often as I hug my biological children, but I recognize that every now and then a kid needs a "mom" hug, and so I try to reach out.

That said, I have watched my biological kids grow fond of a woman their dad (my ex, of course) brought into their life, and it isn't easy. They enjoy her company, look forward to seeing her and speak glowingly of what a great cook she is. Ouch.

One particular day, my kids, their dad and his date arrived at a celebratory event at which I also attended. I sat in a row behind my kids and watched them giggle, chat and entertain each other throughout the ceremony. And then, IT happened. One of my kids put his head on HER shoulder and she tossled his hair. It was a loving, tender moment and it tore my heart out.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop watching. I left the ceremony, hyperventilating when I reached the vestibule doors. My son's head was meant to rest on my shoulder, no one else's. That special tenderness is for Mom only. That day ranks highly among the most painful moments in my life.

So, my co-step parents, let's do our best to love and be kind to our step kids and hope that someone else will give us the same consideration. All without stepping over that painful, smudgy line in the sand.

Until next time, choose happy.

A love story

It's often surprising to me how often people say, "Wow, you must really love him" when they learn of how my life has been up-ended by marriage.

Generally, my first thought is, "Well, duh, of course I love him. Why else would I marry him?"

But there's truth in the meaning behind their questions. From the outside looking in, what's in it for me? I owned a great home that my kids grew up in and which held many wonderful memories; I sold it at the bottom of the market. I lived and worked without air conditioning but with the ongoing companionship of a series of tradesmen for one of the hottest summers on record. I imposed upon my children the need to move from the only home they'd ever known to a still unfinished place with my new husband and two of his kids who live with us full-time. And I'm a dog-owner now. Wow, indeed.

Whatever expectations we bring into our marriages, there's no way to really know how it's going to flow. We hope for the best and that love and patience will carry the day. A friend, who's youngest child just turned 30, found me crying one Sunday morning on the corner. I was overwhelmed with all that I'd undertaken. "I wondered how it was going for you," she said. "It's just not easy. The first five years were a constant battle in my marriage. It was one of the hardest things I've ever lived through -- figuring out how to deal with each other's kids." This from a woman who has twice battled cancer.

So, there's love and there's hope. And for most of us, lots of wine!

Until next time, choose happy.

A winning combo?

The hubby and I never talked about having a child together, given our ages and that we're both a little worn out with the ones we already have, but -- without sounding all Carrie Bradshaw -- I can't help but wonder what our offspring would be like.

Would they combine the best elements of our current kids, or would we produce something totally unexpected? A great beauty? A musical prodigy?

Moot point, really, cuz we're not going there. But still.....

until next time, choose happy.

"You're not the boss of me!"

Okay, comrades in step-parenting -- how do you handle it when your stepchild is recalcitrant, negative and unwilling to do what even THEY know is the right thing to do? I've just about had my share of negotiating, discussing and otherwise trying to help. On the one hand, I know this is an opportunity for me to really help this young man who has so desperately needs boundaries and support. On the other hand, I'm human and have my limits (not to mention my own biological kids and their needs/crises, work, etc.).

HELP!

Missing Children

Why is it that even when my stepkids are home, I so desparately miss my own kids? Life is actually easier and quieter when my babies (well, teens) aren't home. The stepkids actually require somewhat less of me than my own brood, so shouldn't I be enjoying my relative freedom?

Just trying to figure it all out, until then ... choose happy.