I joked to a friend the other day that my stepkids' mom should send me a Valentine - a big one, as it sometimes felt like I was doing her job.
Not true, of course. I strongly believe that no one can, or should, ever consider replacing the biological parent of their stepchild unless that parent was abusive or has abandoned the child. Every child wants to love his/her mom and dad -- even if mom and dad aren't perfect. And who is?
I struggle with the fine line between being the "mom" figure for my stepkids without actually being mom. I don't hug my stepkids as easily or as often as I hug my biological children, but I recognize that every now and then a kid needs a "mom" hug, and so I try to reach out.
That said, I have watched my biological kids grow fond of a woman their dad (my ex, of course) brought into their life, and it isn't easy. They enjoy her company, look forward to seeing her and speak glowingly of what a great cook she is. Ouch.
One particular day, my kids, their dad and his date arrived at a celebratory event at which I also attended. I sat in a row behind my kids and watched them giggle, chat and entertain each other throughout the ceremony. And then, IT happened. One of my kids put his head on HER shoulder and she tossled his hair. It was a loving, tender moment and it tore my heart out.
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop watching. I left the ceremony, hyperventilating when I reached the vestibule doors. My son's head was meant to rest on my shoulder, no one else's. That special tenderness is for Mom only. That day ranks highly among the most painful moments in my life.
So, my co-step parents, let's do our best to love and be kind to our step kids and hope that someone else will give us the same consideration. All without stepping over that painful, smudgy line in the sand.
Until next time, choose happy.
Wow! Understand! I guess when I started this road of parenthood, I was just way to young to feel such. I had my first at 17 and I so wanted to stay seventeen. So, during that point of my life it didn't matter to me who cared for my child as long as he was not being abused. Unfortunately, he did get abused by his father's girl friend, not because he was a step child but because he was my child. I am sure she would have felt differently if my son had been some other woman's.
ReplyDeleteI was raised in a small town and I married the man she had hoped to be her husband. Their plans, his plans, changed when I got pregnant. He wanted to do the right thing and so we got married. What a big mistake! Their affair continued and she became pregnant. Our children are less than a year apart. With that said, she did abuse my son. She was violent in temper and went to my in-laws and began to scream mean and nasty things at my son. His grandfather came to his rescue and made her leave. Later that day my son moved in with his grandparents. I don't think she was allowed to be near him from that day on. She finally left and found someone else, but her and my ex still find time when in the same area to have their moment.
I agree we should do our best to love and be kind to our step kids, because when I was a child I was mistreated by adults who should have known better.
Thanks again for a wonderful read.